I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We just shotgunned beers for America
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
