Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
