When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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