Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
