my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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