make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
