i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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