There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
