if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
