My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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