I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
