So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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