White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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