Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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