I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
