I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Text me some of your sweat
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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