11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
