everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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