bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
