Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
