I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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