Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
