That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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