does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize