just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
