I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
