I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
