Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
