She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
