Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
