and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
