seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
