When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
