Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
