mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
