i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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