If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
