dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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