I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
