You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just high enough for therapy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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