My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize