I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
