sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
