When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
