Banned from zoo.
Again?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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