life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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