Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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