maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
