when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
