Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize