i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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