I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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