Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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