Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
