Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize