I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
