I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
