i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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