Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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