I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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