theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
