Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
